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April 2008 - Dr. Bonnie Wright
He’s your Prince Charming. The evening has been wonderful,
as always. It’s been steady for a few months now. He dotes on you.
Life is good. While you’re walking along, the conversation turns
to a small incident at the movie that you barely remember. A friend and
his date stopped to say hello while you were waiting in line. You hugged
when you said goodbye, as always. Your “prince” now asks if
you’re interested in this guy. You assure him, no, but the conversation
suddenly gets more intense. He’s jealous but it’s absurd.
You walk ahead, he grabs your arm, which hurts. He lets up, but doesn’t
release his grasp. He says he doesn’t know what came over him and
that he’ll never do it again, and asks you to please forgive him,
which you do. You rationalize the incident: it must have been a bad day
for him; maybe an old girlfriend ditched him in the past, so he’s
oversensitive.
The next day, he shows up with flowers and smiles and life is good again.
However, a month later, the scenario repeats itself after a waiter in
a restaurant chats with you politely while taking your order. This time,
Prince Charming yells and calls you everything but a princess. The next
day he shows up with an engagement ring, saying he loves you desperately
and maybe he’s just feeling insecure. You think his vulnerability
is sweet. Stop!
Did you know that the incidence of dating violence is as high as the incidence
for domestic violence? That means that up to 30 per cent of our granddaughters,
daughters, sisters, cousins and girlfriends are being battered, badgered,
threatened, demeaned, disregarded, isolated or, in other words, abused
by the people who are supposed to care about them. Often, an outside observer
to the relationship doesn’t know about the abuse, especially if
there are no physical marks of violence and it happens in private. The
woman being abused doesn’t share these incidents with others because
she’s embarrassed it happened or is afraid that Prince Charming
will be cast in a bad light that might ruin an amazing future.
Equally as often, she can’t identify him as abusive and she’s
not naive, stupid or choosing to be a victim. Abusers gain control of
their girlfriends or wives by first charming them into the relationship.
After she’s hooked, he uses other strategies, such as gradual social
isolation, to control her within his world. He prefers private activities,
avoiding parties or double dates. He separates his target from her friends
and family and then from any means of escaping the isolation. Money or
transportation will be inaccessible and he may even move her to another
city, or do anything to control her life. He may never lay a hand on her
but she’s trapped in a life of dedication to him that she never
wanted in the beginning.
On the other hand, dating violence can be open and obvious. She says something
he doesn’t like. He responds with a backhand across the face. The
next day, she’s sporting a black eye. It may be a source of pride
for him as a man “putting a woman in her place.” It may be
a source of pride for her to be that “loved.” The decision
to never date this guy again is obvious to everyone – maybe. But
what if you lived where violence against women was commonplace or condoned?
What if you thought you had no other choice? And what if you didn’t
have much self-esteem? You might think you deserve to be “dissed”
because you aren’t much of anything anyhow. If this type of abuse
occurred between your parents, you may think it’s a normal way for
men and women to interact. Unfortunately, some girls and women interpret
abusive or violent behaviour differently, depending on their life experiences
or degree of self-esteem.
Dating abuse can be subtle or obvious. It can be part of your social or
family environment and history, or not. But it’s never acceptable.
Abuse is a result of the misuse of power on the abuser’s part. Whatever
level it starts at is just the beginning. It will escalate particularly
during stages of change, such as graduation, marriage and the birth of
a child. The abuser’s need to control everything in his life is
the driving motivation. It has nothing to do with his target. However,
the target’s level of self-esteem is critical to whether she becomes
a victim or not. For teenage girls, self-esteem is often in a state of
flux or development, and so they may fall prey to an abuser more easily
than a mature, assertive and insightful woman.
There has been an increasing amount of study done on domestic violence
and woman abuse recently. Research shows that a minimum of eight per cent
of women have been abused by an intimate partner, but more realistically
it’s 25 per cent. For pregnant women, the rate of abuse is 30 to
35 per cent, including immediately after the birth. Abused women of all
ages don’t initiate the conversation about abuse but they’re
waiting to be asked. Health care providers in Ontario and across the country
are screening women for abuse more often and referring clients to community
resources. In general, people and community groups are more aware of violence
and abuse, and are taking action to do something about it, such as raising
awareness, providing community resources, developing activities and educational
experiences to increase self-esteem. A national network has also been
formed to coordinate efforts across the country to stop abuse.
For help, contact your local abuse centre, women’s shelter or sexual
assault centre. To help stop woman abuse, volunteer, donate funds or resources.
Help however you can. Most definitely, it’s important to foster
good self-esteem in yourself and the girls and women around you. Don’t
condone violence in or around your home. Make mutual respect and peaceful
co-existence the norm.
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