How healthy is your Relationship?
April 2008 - Dr. Robert Unger

I often encourage people to do four things every year on their birthday; celebrate the occasion with family and friends; put new batteries in smoke detectors, cameras, flashlights, etc.; make plans for the immediate and long-term future (save money for a vacation, take a course) and conduct a check-up of their physical and emotional health. In other words, are they happy with how things are at this point in their lives?
Unfortunately, most people accomplish only the first item, fewer people accomplish the second and fewer still ever get to the third or fourth thing.

So, birthdays aside, spring is as good a time as any to look at ways to maintain positive growth in your relationships, allowing them to blossom to their full potential. After all, this time of year is all about regeneration and growth.

When I meet couples who are seeking therapy, I'm no longer surprised when I hear that each partner has a very different view of how things should be in the relationship. One feels that they don't spend enough time together while their partner disagrees. Or one believes too much money is spent on things not really needed while their partner argues because of concern for the high cost of their partner's golf membership. Each relationship is unique but all can benefit from regular check-ups.

Here are some things to consider when assessing the health of your relationship:

• Try to make it a habit to conduct your relationship check-up at least once a year, preferably around the same time each year so you won't forget to do it.
  
• When discussing the relationship with your partner, develop and keep the habit of being respectfully honest with each other.
  
• Ask yourselves if you have accomplished things, both as an individual and as a couple, (What have you done that makes you a better person and a better partner?)
  
• What things do you wish you would have accomplished?
  
• What things do you want to accomplish in the coming year, both as individuals and as a couple? (Do you want to travel more, or have you ever considered taking a course together?)
  
• Do you share your partner's opinions about finances, family, friends, work versus play, and working together on a project?
  
• Are you able to discuss disappointments you've had in the past year and ways each of you can minimize similar occurrences in the coming year?
  
• Do you share the same interests, such as family, sports, education, or travel?
  
• Do you respect each other in word and deed?
  
• Are you happy with the amount of time you spend together and the time you spend apart? (Do you usually agree on the importance of taking some time for yourself, whether a couple of hours, or a week's vacation?)
  
• Do you have fun together?
  
• Do you miss each other when you're apart for a period of time?
  
• Do you share the same priorities in life?
  
• If you both have careers, do you share the same beliefs about professional development and career enhancement?
  
• Are you both happy in your chosen career?
  
• If only one of you is employed outside the home, do you have mutual respect for each other's contribution to the relationship?