July/Aug 2008

It’s as old as Cain and Abel and isn’t limited to children. In adulthood, if sibling rivalry rears its ugly head and is left unchecked, it can fracture family relations and wreak psychological havoc through jealousy, competitiveness, resentment and spite. For those suffering these negative consequences, it’s essential to learn the causes of sibling rivalry and how to minimize it.
Rivalry between siblings typically begins during childhood when the tone is often set for sibling relationships. Factors such as birth order, personality, gender, genetics, expectations, life events and experiences outside the family may spur rivalry between brothers and sisters. But it’s frequently the parents who, intentionally or unintentionally, fuel rivalry among their children the most.

The relationship that parents have with their children is very closely linked to sibling rivalry. Beginning at about the age of one, children are extremely perceptive about how they’re being treated in relation to their siblings. Should a parent show favouritism of one child over another, for example, it’s often the children’s relationships with each other that suffer. When children feel the need to compete for their parents’ love, attention, approval or time, a rivalry can develop. This competitive attitude often builds and carries over into other areas of the children’s lives such as school, sports and relationships. Rivalry can continue into adulthood with siblings competing over careers, job status, salaries, their own children, spouses or material possessions.

Another contributing factor is if parents place expectations on their children to compensate for their own inadequacies. As children try to fulfill these expectations, whether spoken or unspoken, they often fear they’ll fail. These expectations and fears often have a negative impact on the bond between siblings.

Parental expectations tend to include comparisons between siblings, which often results in labels that can stick for a lifetime. Common labels include “the emotional one,” “the black sheep,” “the wonder boy,” “the creative one,” “the rebel,” “the clown,” “the clumsy one” and “the delinquent.” These labels can shape how siblings think, feel, act and behave; in short, they become their labels, and as adults, these labels can continue to bring about sibling rivalry.
With so many contributing factors, it’s a small wonder that rivalry often persists into adulthood. The speed with which old conflicts reduce adults to children again can prevent them from seeing one another in a new or different light. They continue to push each other’s buttons without knowing why or how and recast themselves in childhood roles that never worked in the first place. Real personal development means growing out of the limiting patterns of childhood, breaking free of residual adult sibling rivalry and truly becoming your own person.

For some, this may mean choosing to cut off relationships with troublesome siblings or even parents. But for those who wish to resolve or greatly diminish sibling rivalry, the following tips may help:

1. Begin by recognizing the effects of old rivalries. The key to getting along as adults is to understand how childhood rivalries and relationships may still be affecting you. Make a conscious effort to break free of old patterns and generate a better relationship with your siblings.

2. Stop perpetuating sibling rivalry. If you’re determined to change the situation, you’ll likely need to make the first move. Put your anger and jealousy aside, give up the competitive attitude, and be willing to sincerely pay your siblings a compliment. If you stop the rivalry dance, your siblings will eventually follow.

3. Heal wounds and any misunderstandings. Resolve previous conflicts while sorting through old issues of anger, fear, guilt and hurt. Eliminate blame towards either your siblings or parents and release any grudges you may have, no matter how justified you may feel. Blame and grudges will just keep you stuck.

4. Redefine your relationships. Release the myths of your shared past and instead discover who you are to each other now. Make room for differences and accept your siblings exactly as they are. Better yet, begin to see all the positives qualities your siblings possess, and tell them so.

5. Envision a new, more positive future. Break the habits that keep your relationship firmly in the past and instead, create a new vision for yourself and your family.

Sibling relationships are lifelong relationships. Sisters and brothers can be constant figures in each other’s lives when they get along well, or become objects of avoidance when there are negative feelings between them. You might want to ask yourself which dynamic you’re willing to strive for: sibling rivalry or sibling revelry?