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May 2008 - Dr. Robert Unger
Have you ever wondered whether you would have even dated your partner if you knew then what you know now?
When we’re in “dating mode,” we often have some kind of checklist of what we consider important and hope to find in a prospective partner. We usually consider whether the other person has the same interests, values, religious background, financial stability and life goals. We may also consider their physical appearance, whether they have children from a previous relationship, or if they live in the same city.
When a relationship becomes more established, our primary goal is still to have fun, but we’re always learning more and more about our partner as time goes on. A major component of the relationship-building process is learning about the other person’s unique characteristics and determining whether these traits are a “good fit” with your own. For example, you might consider whether or not it’s important to you if he pulls out your chair for you at a restaurant or leaves a good tip. Is he kind, considerate and passionate about certain things? Is he usually on time? How does he get along with his family and friends? Does he listen without judgment, or is he quick-tempered?
The relative priority of these characteristics is as varied and unique as the two individuals in the relationship. However, some characteristics should be reviewed more carefully than others. For example, if you learn your partner has a history of criminal activity or had numerous financial difficulties, perhaps with several bankruptcies, it would be prudent not to co-mingle your financial affairs.
What if, somehow, you were able to “fast-forward” time and stop at a point 15 years ahead? Let’s say two children, three house moves, two medical emergencies and a career change ahead. Perhaps during this time, even experiencing the death of one or more loved ones. With each significant experience you learn more and more about your partner. What you learned about your partner in the intervening fifteen years will inevitably change your understanding and depth of the relationship, either positively or negatively.
But if you knew these things then, what would you have done? If you knew that your future husband would develop an unexpected life-changing disability three years after you married, would you still marry? If you knew then that your partner would have a heart attack, or be fired from his job, or be sued by a relative, would you knowingly carry on with the relationship?
When we decide to commit to a relationship with someone, it means that we’re willing to work at the relationship and deal with such unforeseen life challenges. None of us knows what the future holds. As these life challenges present themselves to us, we learn as much about ourselves as well as our partners by the way we respond to them.
As a relationship develops, it’s inevitable that we learn more and more about our partners. It’s quite possible that some things we learn may not be very attractive or positive. For example, after a few years of living together, does he forget significant dates, spend less time with the children or you? Has the “lustre” on your relationship begun to tarnish? Do you still have the same sleep habits, recreational interests, familial relationships, physical and emotional health? Do you still enjoy your individual careers? Have you learned that he had a child many years ago that, until recently, he never discussed with you? And what has your partner learned about you that he didn’t know during the first few years of relationship bliss?
You may not even be aware of the exact cause of the change; you may just feel “different,” and telling your partner about this feeling may be sufficient enough to start a conversation. Sometimes when you sense something is different, and you ask, you learn that your partner is having some trouble at work, or he thinks he overextended the finances and is ashamed to tell you. Or he may have learned he has a medical condition but didn’t want to bother you.
It’s very important to identify an issue as early as possible because if it’s left unresolved or reaches extremes, it can derail a relationship. Some people prefer to set a specific time to discuss these things (for example, just prior to bedtime or after dinner). Others prefer to just say they want to “talk later tonight about something important.” Whatever method, a conversation should happen as soon as your inner voice tells you that something in the relationship has changed.
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