For Love or Money
March 2008 - Dr. Robert Unger

The psychological fallout from money problems can be devastating.

In the midst of the pre-holiday season shopping frenzy, I happened to watch a TV show during which a pollster in a mall asked several young couples how much money they intended to spend on gifts. Both partners in each couple usually responded at the same time, but with very different amounts. Immediately after they heard what their partner said, they usually laughed, but displayed a facial expression that could only have meant, “Oh gosh, you’re kidding, right? Here we go again, another year of fighting.”

Our opinions about finances often flow from our upbringing. From a psychological perspective, we should all really be encouraged to examine our visions of financial matters before entering into a serious relationship.

For example, are you the type that “saves for a rainy day” and subscribes to the theory that there’s nothing wrong with buying good used items?

And is your partner the type that believes “If you have it, spend it” and “It’s my money and I can do what I want with it”?

How a couple handles their finances can make or break their relationship and create psychological havoc. I’m no longer surprised that, when asked, patients who have been married or cohabiting for several years tell me that they’ve never (or rarely) ever sat down and discussed their views on finances.

When I hear patients tell me that they want to talk about “money problems,” I know that I will hear a list of expenses or items that have been purchased and another list of items or activities that had to be “put off” because “you bought that” or “you went there” or “we did that instead.” The list is almost endless: ski lessons, hockey equipment, poker parties, mortgage, car lease, Tupperware parties, vacations, etc.

I wait for the moment that eventually arrives: when it becomes very apparent that the money problem argument that the couple keeps having really has very little to do with money, but usually with something far more sinister. What becomes apparent is that the money problem is really only the battleground upon which the other, less palatable, issues are fought.

Some partners use the “currency” of money as a form of control, especially when there’s only one wage earner in the partnership. Control issues may also occur when one partner earns substantially more than the other. Other partners may also use manipulation of finances as a form of pacifier, to soothe wounded egos, or to assuage a sense of guilt.

Money problems often occur when a sense of psychological inequality is perceived by one or both partners in a relationship and an obvious or tangible reason is not readily determined. In clinical experience, I’ve noticed that money problems usually take a moderately long time to develop and even longer to be recognized. Once identified, a couple usually attempts to fix it, unaware that it’s often just the tip of the iceberg, with much of the problem hidden beneath the surface.

So how can you avoid the same fate as the Titanic? How can you avoid the psychological equivalent of the sinking ship? The answer really depends on your own personality style and the type of relationship you’re in.

If you’re single and “just dating but we’re very much in love,” only a very naïve person would consider sharing finances in any form. Sure, it’s okay to buy each other dinners, presents, etc., but I would discourage things like co-signing for past, current or future indebtedness. If the relationship sours (and sometimes it does), it may leave the partners in a situation of being single again and drowning under a substantially increased debt load with nothing to show for it except an important lesson learned. Remember that there was probably a reason why your then-partner required you to co-sign in the first place!

If you’re in a committed relationship but not cohabiting, you’d be smart to follow these same guidelines. However, you may be psychologically comfortable enough with each other to establish a mutual savings or checking account (but not credit card) that might be used to purchase “couple” items such as vacations together or saving for a house. Each of you could deposit agreed-upon amounts and have some sense of security that an overdrawn balance (if ever) would be minimal. Why no shared credit card? Some financial specialists I know tell horror stories of previously committed couples who had shared credit cards and then maxed out the credit limit in order to negatively affect their ex-partners’ credit rating.

Of course, if you’re cohabiting and have dependents, the psychological importance of “being a team player” when it comes to finances is crucial. Regardless of the income stream, you should respect each other’s opinion and make every effort to understand the basis of it. If you’re still unable to resolve your differences, it’s usually best to try to understand where the true difficulty is. Is there a perceived imbalance somewhere in the relationship that’s displaying itself in money matters? If so, the most effective and beneficial place to “spend” your energy is to identify and resolve that component of the relationship. Once this difference is resolved, the money problems will likely resolve and the relationship will be on a better course for some clear sailing.