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May 2008 - Dr. Robert Unger
In a relationship, there are always individual differences that are based primarily on each partner’s family. Add to this different cultural, socio-economic and even age-related factors, and the list of apparent differences increases.
While some differences may be considered insignificant (eye colour, shoe size), other differences (religious, cultural, financial) may become more difficult for partners to embrace.
One of the entries found for the word “difference” in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is “a characteristic that distinguishes one from another or from the average.” On the Wikipedia website, one entry suggests “Differences can only be stated on the basis of a comparison or categorization… in order for something to be different you must have something to compare it to.”
We often forget that when we make judgments, we internally make comparisons to things that we have previously learned or have been exposed to. In order to determine that we like a particular person more than another, what we really do is compare the current feelings for that person with those we’ve previously experienced for other people.
The attraction we have to our significant others is really a result of the judgment we make of the combination of similarities and differences that we observe in that person and in the relationship. How each partner identifies, discusses and resolves these differences can “make or break” a relationship.
So, how can you embrace differences between you and your partner? These suggestions might help:
- Recognize that you each come from different families and perhaps even from distinctly different geographical, philosophical or cultural beginnings.
- Realize that your partner has the same right to their beliefs as you do to yours.
- Respect your partner’s beliefs, even though you may not agree with them.
- Be open to learning more about your partner’s belief system.\
The saying, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts,” is so true with respect to relationships. Some differences within a relationship don’t need to be reduced, but rather should be shared. Partners with different cultures, religions or even parental status should embrace each other’s situation and try to become part of it. If possible, try to attend your partner’s place of other-worship. Try to learn as much as you can about the other-culture, the other-holidays and the other-customs. Try to cook one of your partner’s other-special meals, or recognize special days that may not have been previously celebrated. Advertise your willingness to learn about your partner’s differences and, in return, be open to teach them about your own. If children are involved, discuss the possibility of exposing them to both of your cultures, languages or customs. In some cases, this may be difficult or impossible, but certainly make the attempt to discuss.
Difficulties in cross-cultural relationships can sometimes occur, not only between the two primary partners, but also between parents and friends. Difficulties can also arise between one partner and their parents or friends. The reasons for such difficulty are usually complex, but typically may include some form of parent and adult-child conflict. In either case, you should be aware of how difficult it may be for you or your partner, as a form of “triangulation” often occurs. By this I mean that you or your partner will be between two distinct points of view: “I stand by my partner and disappoint my parents (or friends),” or “I agree with my parents (or friends) and disappoint my partner.” Either outcome may be seen as less than optimal. Especially at a time when mutual partner support is expected, you or your partner may feel hesitant to make suggestions to relieve the tension. Sometimes a neutral party can assist in the resolution of these matters.
The ideal cross-cultural relationship, or a relationship with diversity, will contain partners who cherish and support each other’s differences and are able to maintain a respectful relationship with parents and friends. It’s important for each partner to feel that their point of view and belief system is recognized and valued. Mutual respect is paramount, as is a willingness to teach and be taught. |
