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| He Said, She Said - May 2008 |
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Q: I’m 51 years old and my mother still thinks she can tell me how to live my life. She constantly criticizes the men I date (I’m divorced) and the way I raise my children. She lectures me about everything from my kids’ curfews and activities to what kind of man I should marry! How do I get her to keep her nose out of my business? ~ Frustrated daughter
| He Said (Jim
Alexander) A: Before I give my two cents’ worth (they still make pennies, right?), I just want to tell you to remember something. If you don’t appreciate being treated this way, make sure you don’t treat your own children this way. Sometimes as we age, we tend to act more like our parents – I’d say more than sometimes. If your grandmother treated your mom this way, and now your mom acts like her mom, make sure you don’t then repeat the very behaviour you don’t appreciate. I had to get that out of the way. Now on to your problem. In fairness to your mother, I say, “Once a mom, always a mom.” Sure you’re grown up. Sure you’re 51. But you’re still her kid in every way except physically. She brought you into this world and, believe it or not, she wants the best for you. You want the best for your kids, don’t you? The trick is to try and manage her behaviour in such a way as to be able to live with it more comfortably, if not correct it completely. Have you told her how you feel? Being a male of the species, I’m continually reminded how women are better communicators than men. They tend to talk things out, as opposed to just shrugging it off and then changing the channel like a guy would. Because she cares about you, she thinks she’s helping you. You say it irritates you. Fine, you’re at an impasse – but only if she knows you are. If she doesn’t know how you feel then you’re only internalizing your frustration, which makes you feel worse. And frustrated. I can’t believe I (a guy) am about to say this to a woman, but, “Talk, girlfriend!” Talk to your mom and tell her you love her and appreciate her efforts to keep you happy. Suggest that perhaps instead of her telling you what to do in a certain situation, she might ask what your feelings are on the subject – whatever it is. Then you both could talk it out, and lo and behold, she might even be able to offer you some sage wisdom. After all, she has 20-plus years on you, right? |
She Said (Lisa
Brandt) |