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Jan/Feb 2008 - Dr. Bonnie Wright
FIn a different era, life was slower and shorter. Change didn’t
happen often or quickly and one day was much like the next. The culture
of the day was more structured and clearly defined. People didn’t
need classes in change and conflict management. Today, however, life is
lived at high speed and changes bombard us constantly. Change is more
than just inevitable … it’s a certainty.
We tend to feel resistant to change because it forces us to move away
from our comfortable routines into unknown territory and we feel potentially
inadequate until we adapt to the change. These are common feelings for
individuals to have and the bigger the change the more intense the feelings.
As social beings, we rarely experience a change alone. Within a family
anything that impacts even one person, impacts everyone else. Not only
does each member have their own responses to change, but they’re
also trying to interpret the behaviour of the others. This can cause us
to run out of energy much more quickly and the inevitable outcome is interpersonal
conflict. Therefore, change and conflict are inextricably linked.
What does this mean for family health? With the divorce rate at approximately
50 per cent, the meaning is obvious. Over time, changes naturally happen
within a couple as a result of life events such as having children, purchasing
a house, caring for an aging parent, career demands, or the death of a
loved one. Whether stressful or joyful, changes can throw us off balance,
and often exhaustion quickly follows. So how do we reduce the unhealthy
outcomes of change and its best friend conflict?
Communication
When we don’t pay attention to our feelings or other people’s
feelings, we might make assumptions instead and act on them. Open communication
between family members is essential to understand how we’re impacted
by change. Here’s a tip: when you do ask how someone is feeling,
make sure you listen to the answer without interruption or judgment.
The right stuff
Getting adequate sleep makes a huge difference in making sure you have
the energy to listen, communicate and be patient while others are sorting
out changes. The other half of that equation is diet and exercise. Physical
activity will help produce endorphins that will give you a sense of well-being
while a balanced diet will reduce the physical stress on your body.
Redefining normal
Change means that your idea of what was normal will be different. Part
of the process is to alter that picture of normal to include the changes
being made. Visualizing that new normal in your head can help make it
feel less threatening.
Stay positive
This is a really tough one! It’s easier to imagine the worst and
run screaming down the hall. Spending a few hours on self-pity is like
taking a bubble bath: great while you’re in there but eventually,
the water cools off and you have to get out. Staying positive in the long
run requires less energy than continually climbing out of the depths of
negativity. Self-talk is one technique that works. Keep telling yourself
that you’re okay and will continue to be okay. Your life is blessed
with ________ (fill in the blank for yourself). No matter how bleak a
picture you paint, there’s always a ray of sunshine; a best friend,
a beautiful sunset, that incredible rose bush in the garden that just
keeps blooming all summer. Switch up the blessings on your list every
time you catch yourself thinking negatively.
Make a concrete plan
To keep everyone singing off the same page, it helps to actually have
a page – literally. Write down the change that’s under way
and list the steps toward that change. Put the paper in a place where
everyone can see it and check off the steps as they’re completed.
This creates a visual reminder that progress is actually being made and,
at least for this item of change, the end is in sight.
Changes are inevitable and conflict and change travel together, in and
out of our lives. Knowing this can provide us with a means for survival
as families.
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